Many years ago, when a close friend stopped all contact with me for over a year (14 months, to be exact), I was in great pain. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what had occurred between us that would cause her to shut down all modes of communication with me. I even emailed her husband in a desperate effort to gain some understanding. He said he was under strict orders to stick to this line:
"Martha does not want any contact from you right now. When she is ready, she will reach out to you."
I was floored, confused, upset - totally distraught. I knew this churning was toxic for all of me - spirit, soul and body. I was taking my pain to God regularly, asking for wisdom on what to do with Martha's shutdown. I prayed for God to reveal to me what I might have done or said that could bring understanding for Martha’s uncharacteristic behavior. I even sought out a therapist for some help.
The therapist introduced me to a life-changing book: The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. (It was an instant addition to my ‘Vital Voices’ list.) The book is about learning how to accept pain as a part of life and deal with it productively. He advocates ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - for remaking your perspective on and response to painful feelings and thoughts.
But his analogy of cars going around in a circle was the most impactful aha for me. The cars are likened to thoughts we generate (We are hard-wired for more negative thoughts – a negativity bias - out of the vigilance necessary to detect any possible threat to our survival.) Hence, self-protective, even suspicious thoughts are constantly being formed by our brains.
But just because a thought keeps circling in your head, doesn’t mean it is or becomes reality or fact. The key is accepting that there will always be negative or foreboding thoughts circling; but you have a choice to ‘not get in the car’, to let it drive on by.
So getting back to my friend dilemma...Once I started practicing not getting into the circling cars, my mental health as it related to this broken friendship improved. My prayers for her became more empathetic and less fretful. But I had to accept the bottom line: I would have to wait for Martha’s posture to change, or give up on the relationship. Either way, I was moving past the debilitating mental churning, for my own health’s sake.
Here comes the real interesting part...After 14 months, with a journal full of my stages of grief over this lost relationship, I get a phone call from Martha. And believe it or not, she acted like nothing had happened between us! She had a cheery tone and went right into asking about what’s new with me. I could barely speak; I was so flabbergasted by her razor-sharp turnabout.
When finally words started forming for me, I exclaimed:
"Martha, it’s been over a year since you have had any contact with me. How can you act like it’s been a day or a week since we spoke?"
She had a faint chuckle as she replied:
"Oh Geri, surely it’s only been a few weeks, a month or two at the most, since we talked."
Wow...In trying to do something with her time warp, I came up with the phrase pain amnesia to wrap my head around her unyielding stubbornness regarding the time lapse of my exile. She maintained she was out of contact for only a couple of months, at most.
Even now, years later, I can feel the impact in my body of this episode of what currently might be termed gaslighting. As it turned out, Martha had experienced a personal crisis in her family that caused her great pain and embarrassment. She hadn’t just shut down with me; everyone outside her family of origin was muted while they dealt with the predicament. I don’t know if she was ever able to realize how shutting out her friends drastically shrunk her support system for the duration of the far-reaching adversity she was facing.
Thankfully, we did reconcile our friendship; but it took time to rebuild trust for me. Without her acknowledging she had been silent for 14 months – not one or two – she could never really validate the length and level of agony for me, and all of her bewildered friends.
I went to the golden rule with this: Give her the grace I would want her to give me in a similar situation.
Meanwhile, I put this phrase, pain amnesia, into ChatGPT, and came to find out I was not the originator! Haha! Although it is not a formal medical term, pain amnesia has been extensively defined and studied. In fact, there are two different aspects of pain amnesia:
1. It refers to the phenomenon where individuals tend to forget the intensity or unpleasantness of past painful experiences over time. This can occur because our brains do not store memories of pain in the same way they store other types of memories, like visual or auditory memories. (An example of this would be how a woman who has gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery, can forget how painful it was; so much so, she is then able to consider doing it again.)
2. The concept of ‘pain amnesia’ can also apply to the emotional or psychological pain that someone in crisis might inflict on those around them. This form of amnesia refers to the tendency of individuals to forget or diminish the memory of the hurtful actions or words they directed toward others during a time of personal crisis. This phenomenon can be complex and is often intertwined with psychological mechanisms like denial, repression, or cognitive dissonance. (The personal experience I shared is an example of this definition.)
I learned much through this difficult relational journey - not the least of which was this:
I too have embodied both sides of this concept during challenging and long-term personal trials. I too have needed grace from those who bore the effects of my tunneled focus that surely included fuzzy memory capabilities, hurtful insensitivities, and my own version of time warps. ( Matt 10:8b ; Mark 12:31 )
Consider applying these concepts to a relational journey in your life...
Where does this chronicle of strained friendship touch you most? Which ‘role’ did you play in your version?
Did you experience either type of pain amnesia? (Perhaps you are just identifying it after reading this.)
How did you – or would you – respond to a blatant inaccuracy that may diminish your pain?
What takeaway from this post might be helpful to you for processing a past, present or future experience with pain amnesia?
[Note: A few sources for exploring the complex relationship between our memory and pain: Psychology Today ; Technology Networks ; ScienceDirect ]
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