I sense my title may be evoking various versions of curiosity:
What is emotional monitoring? How could empathy ever be bad or dark?
I had those questions – and more - when I initially encountered this concept of emotional monitoring.
Isn’t monitoring others’ emotions part of caring for them, how they are feeling?How would I know if I am on the ‘darker side’? Are there steps towards mitigating this negative pattern?
I invite you to explore these questions with me as I share the results of my curiosity about this topic.
Have you ever seen someone who is always concerned and curious about others’ mood, well-being, emotional state, and stress level more than their own emotional state?
Well, you might be thinking, “Yes, I have seen great empaths in my life who are truly caring,” and you may think that people who do this do it out of empathy, but that’s not [always] the truth. [From: mental health site, @ItisOK ]
Emotional Monitoring is a process in which a person is constantly, subconsciously, scanning others’ moods and emotional states. Subsequently they fixate on doing something to make them feel better, all the while, sacrificing their own emotional state.
Psychologist Naomi Torres-Mackie, from Psychology Today, sheds light on how this form of empathy can be self-destructive:
Empathy – the capacity to place oneself in another's position – is one of the most impactful human abilities. It allows for interpersonal connection, bonding, and a sense of belonging – the essential ingredients for strong mental health..
When someone’s ‘natural state’ is that of hyper-awareness of how the other is feeling, much of that own person’s inner experience is lost. Attunement to one’s own inner world is sacrificed in order to emotionally caretake others. In working with patients who engage in emotion monitoring, I have seen how this can wreak havoc on one’s sense of self, self-esteem, and general mood. When you are so focused on the emotional needs of others that you lose sight of your own, there is no one left to emotionally caretake you.
A couple of distinctions between the light and dark sides:
Empathy produces a sense of belonging and bonds people together. Emotional monitoring, on the other hand, results in anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of isolation.
The motive of empathizing with others is to notice their emotions in order to be supportive of them; whereas emotional monitoring is a desire to use others to self-soothe.
Ok, at this point of my exploring, I am pretty sure I have practiced this pattern fairly regularly.
So, how do I know if I am falling into this pattern? And what got this thing started in me?
It didn’t take long to assess the answers to these two questions.
Once I read that individuals who automatically track others' emotions often times honed this ability as a means to remain safe, I felt my childhood memories coming up...Lots of feeling unsafe, as well as unprotected.
I can remember the mental gymnastics I went through each day coming home from school, not being able to predict the level of tension in the atmosphere before I entered the house. I was always building out scenarios A through D of how to protect myself depending on who was home – or not home - and what level of chaos was ruling the room.
I thank God for the freedom to forgive and love that has come with the awareness, the naming, the accepting and the healing of my early story. And I have found the learning and healing continues as long as I remain receptive. Moreover, according to my research, it turns out that even if the unsafe situation has passed long ago these individuals may still practice emotion monitoring as a coping mechanism to deal with - or avoid - feeling unsafe.
A few signs of emotional monitoring:
· You are severely affected by others’ negative moods
· You get extremely anxious when you find that someone close to you is upset
· You pay a lot of attention to others’ mood shifts
· You replay previous interactions to ‘build the narrative' you caused the upset
· You experience an inability to be present when interacting with others
Lastly, and most importantly, I desired to learn how to break this unhealthy cycle. I started by journaling as I began to intentionally notice when I was engaging in emotional monitoring. I wrote down questions as they came and opened myself up to wait on God for insights.
Was it all the time, with every person? Or only in certain situations and/or with particular people? Was it usually initiated by a trigger whose root was formed in my childhood experiences?
I found these steps from psychologist Dr.Lepera helpful as I endeavor to form new habits:
1. Become aware: begin noticing how often you are monitoring others’ emotions around you.
2. Begin introspection: this monitoring keeps you focused externally. Bring your awareness internal and begin paying attention to your own needs. Make a practice of self-reflection.
3. Practice emotional tolerance: when you notice someone’s irritable or in a bad/upset mood ask: “how can I support you?” If they don’t want or need support, just allow them to be in their mood. You are not responsible for others’ moods. And you will learn that emotions are fluid – not something to fix.
4. Don’t seek perfection: you will fall back into the habit; that’s ok. Just be aware and redirect your energy.
I have found the benefits of breaking this negative pattern to positively impact both sides of relationships.
For you:
You will find social interactions less draining, more life-giving
You can be more authentic with those who love you for who you are
Your self-esteem will increase, as your social anxiety decreases
For others in your life:
They feel less exhausted interacting with you
They get the authentic you
It builds their trust re: your motive for being interested their state of mind/emotions
“When we give the people around us space, and trust that they can cope with their emotions, we create intimacy and connection.”
Thank you for bringing your curiosity to this topic and allowing me to share my journey with you. I hope you have found this exploration interesting, and maybe even beneficial for your own journey.
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Blessed to play a part ~
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