It's Our #1 Desire - and Fear

"We grow up wanting to be known but terrified that we will be." *

That statement says it all: Our #1 desire – and fear – is being known. Neuropsychiatrist and author, Dr. Curt Thompson, puts it this way:

"We all come into this world looking for someone who is looking for us"

And yet, we can spend our entire lives wearing fig leaves, hiding our vulnerabilities, because of the deep fear that if someone were to really know us, they would not want to know us at all.

This fear, in turn, can cause us to avoid what is essential for being known: safe people - one or many others who will stay with us even as they get to know all of our story.

Curt Thompson has a podcast called Being Known, where he reveals his passion for the intersection of interpersonal neurobiology and spiritual formation. I love how he moves seamlessly between neuroscience and the biblical narrative. He toggles between both topics when he shares how vital safe communities are for our healing as well as our development.

One of the first things he establishes is the four basic needs of all humans: To be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.

There it is again: this concept of being seen, which is part of being known. We are born with this need. And yet, none of us came from perfect FOO’s (Family of Origin), which means we don’t necessarily come through childhood and adolescence, and into adulthood, with these four basic need buckets filled.

What I have experienced is that God is faithful to meet these needs, even if He has to use someone other than the expected providers.

In my life, I had an aunt – one of my mother’s younger sisters – who saw me in my early years.This is before she had her own children to nurture. She called me Yog (and still does)- short for Yogi Bear (I guess I must have been enamored with the bear!).

She would come to our house and find me in the chaos and say, “Hey Yog, you wanna go buzzin’ with me?”

That meant she was taking me out on the town, even if just for running errands, in her cool sportscar. We would visit her stylish friends, who knew how special I must be to be included in such rendezvous.

Aunt Rosie made me feel seen, soothed, safe, secure.

The next time I remember experiencing the indescribable feeling of being safe and seen was when my future husband entered my world. I was a sophomore in high school. He was a well-liked jock in his junior year. And now, fifty years after our entrée into one another’s world, he still reflects what shocked me back then about him:

He loves me for who I am, not what I can do (for him).

If you are familiar with the Enneagram, you can imagine how mind-blowing that felt to this budding Type 3 who had already internalized the lie that to be loved I had to perform!

I am deeply grateful God picked a life partner for me who would consistently remind me that God loves me for who I am, not what I can do (for Him).

I am sharing this for a few reasons:

• To honor those who fill roles in our lives that contribute toward forming secure attachment in our formative years. Thank you, Aunt Rosie!

• To remind you and me that God is faithful to meet all our needs – His way, His timing.

• To suggest that we all dare to not be afraid of being afraid, and look for a safe place of community where we can risk vulnerability and gain the gift of being known.

I’d like to sum up this thought about being known - how needed yet scary it is - by sharing this poem, written by my sister Michelle; given to me on our 25th Wedding Anniversary.

It’s All in the Knowing

Vows are exchanged, true Love is found

But the seed of this Love lay atop of the ground

The tilling, the softening, the breaking must be

For the Life of the Love is found in the seed

Enduring the seasons of storms in the night

New mercies awaken the dawn with His light

Kindling the flames, preserving the core

This seed has a chance to become so much more

But the soil of the heart needs loosening still

Removing the rocks, releasing the will

Preparing the ground to fully receive

The fullness of Love that dies with the seed

Hidden in darkness, a change taking place

Nourished with patience, forgiveness, and grace

Now a Love that is rooted, grounded, and sure

Regards with affection the cost to endure

The wilderness droughts, through the winds and the rains

The planting preserved, and the beauty remains

This vine and branch so intertwined

One exulting the other, by His design

Where can the secret to this Love be found?

Just look at the roots from the seeds in the ground

Deeper and deeper, these roots keep on growing

For the Life of the seed is all in the knowing.

To hear more from Dr. Curt Thompson:

His books: Anatomy of the Soul, The Soul of Shame, The Soul of Desire, The Deepest Place: Suffering and the Formation of Hope.

His Podcast: Being Known

[*The author of the opening statement is unknown, but I encountered it through a post by a LinkedIn connection. Thanks for the inspiration, Andy!]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

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Blessed to play a part ~

g

When Losing All Power is Powerful

We have been campers for decades. We progressed (or some diehard outdoorsies might say regressed), from being fine in a small thin (read: lightweight to carry, but expect no real sleep on the hard ground) backpacking tent to a larger tent with a floor and sleeping pads...to 12 years ago, graduating to a roof-mounted clamshell-style tent with a 2-inch-thick queen mattress that required a ladder to reach (read: not fun when having to get to an outhouse in the middle of the night).

As you might have already deduced, the changes in sleeping arrangements were driven mainly by our maturing bodies. We have no shame about that. Better to upgrade our woodsy lodging than to give up our love of being emersed in the outdoor splendor of the West.

Then finally, just before the pandemic lockdown, we bought a cozy 17-foot camper we could trailer with our 4-Runner. Ahhh... the Taj: a queen bed, full kitchen, a slide-out that makes way for a spacious banquette dining table (that converts to a full-size bed), and a bathroom with dry shower (If you don’t know the significance of the ’dry’ versus ‘wet’ shower, think of having to wipe down the entire room and facilities every time you use the shower.) We were giddy about the luxury of it all! (BTW, her name is Bug.)

My husband, Ron, was ready to conquer the unfamiliar land of camper functioning and maintenance. He is a brilliant techie and businessman, but did not grow up learning about the mechanics of machines and vehicles. Undaunted, he framed this jump into the RV world as a new and needed hobby.

Into our third season with Bug (I got to name her), as you might expect, we have a load of learnings through challenging experiences.

But the real stumper has been how many ways the power can fail us when we are boondocking. (Defined as: camping with no outside access to water, sewer, or electrical hookups.)

Ron has read volumes online and watched countless YouTube videos on every system and every power source involved in keeping us lit up, cool or warm, dry, and nourished. (I had no idea it took propane tanks, massive batteries, and solar panels to keep Bug – and me – copacetic and comfy.)

And yet with each boondocking outing we seem to land in a new position of powerlessness.

Just last weekend... we were giddy about getting to wander our backyard of the San Juan mountains, with a quintessential fall weather report to rely on and our flyfishing and mountain bike gear packed. We found one of our favorite spots open, in spite of it being hunting season, and got set up. Ron put the solar panel in position to soak up the intense sun at our high altitude of 9000+ feet. Our battery was fully charged for running the lights, water pump and all-important stereo. The propane tank would keep our food cold and be ready to heat some water for showers. All good, right?

Yet, by campfire time, when Ron did his check on the power systems, the battery had drained too much too fast – uh-oh...Well, let me just fast-forward to the decision to pack up everything and drive home at 11pm! We wanted to avoid running the battery to the point that it fails because it would permanently ruin it. (One of the lessons we learned by the end of season two with Bug.) Also, there is a safety in the system when the carbon monoxide detector isn’t getting power a very, very loud alarm goes off that will only stop by removing a particular fuse. (Yep, another season two tutorial.)

Wow, thwarted again by a lesson in how we can end up losing all power?!

Beyond the sheer entertainment value for you to read about our amateur RV plunders, there are a couple of significant life lessons that we were able to distill after our shortened excursion last weekend.

1. We need more than opportunities for enjoyable experiences to have times of r & r. We need the power to enjoy what is made available for our pleasure.

God, thank You for the blessings and opportunities you give us to get refreshed and restored. We depend on You to also give us the power to enjoy these ways You demonstrate Your love and knowing of us. (Ecclesiastes 5:19-20, 3:12-13)

2. Sometimes we need saved from ourselves. We realized after the fact, we had no business trying to camp last weekend. Both of us (two Enneagram Type 3’s) were stretched to the max during the week. Both of us confessed to the urge to voice this doubt about camping being the best option for needed rest, but didn’t want to disappoint the other.

Losing all power took the decision out of our hands. Once we got back home and had some sleep, we still had most of the weekend for more of a staycation with no packing or power issues to deal with.

Thank You, our loving Father, for knowing us and our true needs better than we do. For taking a potentially disastrous weekend and turning it into a deliverance from ourselves. (Matt 7:9-11, Luke 12:24, Matt 6:8)

We are still wringing out meaning from last weekend. In fact, even today, as I journal about what God may be aiming at for me, to further my journey towards wholeness and healing from wounds, the word protection keeps coming up. As I shared in a previous post, the lack of protection is the core of my childhood wound.

Could God be inviting me to rethink His position in my story? Could He be revealing His posture of presence and protection where I have seen myself unprotected and alone? Hmm...

Just like the camping last week, where we can choose to leave the headline at “Lost All Power” or look deeper to consider a rescue from ourselves, I can choose the narrative of a lifelong pattern of being unprotected and on my own, or accept God’s invitation to rethink His position throughout my life, and allow that to fulfill my (and every person's) basic needs of being seen, soothed, safe and secure.

Might you consider?...

Upon reflection, can you identify a time when you had all the right ingredients for some needed r & r, yet came away not feeling rested and not understanding what was missing in your recipe?

Can you think of a circumstance where you can be your own worst enemy, where you need saved from yourself, your wired-in tendencies?

Where might God be inviting you to reconsider His position in a painful part of your story?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST." CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha!

And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

ChatGPT & I agree: An Attitude of Gratitude

I would venture to say we all know someone whose life perspective tends towards the ‘cup is half-empty’ viewpoint. Maybe that even describes your expectations of life. Well, my husband Ron, who would not argue with that description of his perspective in general, took the truism to a new level during a European trip back in the late 80’s. (i.e. no cell phones, no search engines, no GPS.)

We were there visiting a sister of mine and her husband who was in the Air Force. We spent several days traveling together by car through parts of Germany, Austria, and France.

It was the day we were driving into the Bavarian Alps to tour Neuschwanstein castle, (You may know it as the inspiration for the iconic Walt Disney Sleeping Beauty castle); and we hit a snowstorm.

It soon became a complete white-out, with the requisite slick road surface, and traffic halted on the two-lane highway. As we sat in the virtual parking lot, trying to assess how many miles of cars were ahead of us, and if the standstill included any accidents, Ron was full-on into his crisis sarcasm. It was about the forty-five-minute mark of no movement or update that he declares he is going to get to the bottom of this snowy fiasco.

Ron ignored the three of us as we attempted to counter his irrational scheme, pointing out a few obvious flaws of his action plan – like the fact that there would be several languages other than English to block his goal of asking questions and receiving answers.

But he threw off our counsel and headed out into the blizzard. It was maybe a half-hour later when he returned, looking like the abominable snowman, murmuring under his breath about how “screwed up their highway systems and snowfall preparations are over here.” His sardonic rant went on...and on...

Meanwhile, the three of us burst out in laughter, and my sister Maria’s next statement became an instant family classic (IFC):

“Ron, I knew you were a ‘cup-half-empty kind of guy’ but I didn’t realize until now, you can’t even find the cup!”

We did make it to the Neuschwanstein castle, and went on to have an epic trip overflowing with IFC’s! And I must say on Ron’s behalf, even though he was rarely not entertaining with his sarcastic commentary during that life season, he has not only found the cup, but has made great strides in being intentional to not always agree with his brain’s tendency to go to the negative in any given situation.

I’ve done some reading on this topic of what the neuroscience community calls “the negativity bias” that is a part of the human brain’s original design, meant to keep us safe – alive even – when there are threats all around with which to contend. I mean like huge beasts wanting to make us their next meal, or a carnivore fighting us over who will take home the family’s food supply for the upcoming winter!

So fast-forward to this century, when we are so advanced we only fight over grocery carts and self-checkout stations, our brains are still setup to be vigilant about possible threats to our survival. One offshoot of this design is our brains look for and retain the negative far faster and longer than the positive.

From Kendra Cherry, in her article “What is the Negativity Bias,”

While we may no longer need to be on constant high alert as our early ancestors needed to be in order to survive, the negativity bias still has a starring role in how our brains operate. Research has shown that negative bias can have a wide variety of effects on how people think, respond, and feel. Some of the everyday areas where you might feel the results of this bias include in your relationships, decision-making, and the way you perceive people.

Furthermore, according to Dr. Rick Hanson, neuroscientist and author of “Hardwiring Happiness,” our brains process positive stimuli very differently from negative stimuli. Hanson explains:

The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.

That means we will need to do intentional work to (re)train our brains if we desire to have a ‘cup-half-full’ view of life, let alone experiencing a cup-full or fulfilling life.

In regard to training our brains, there is a so-called magic ratio.

Experts say that when we can greet one negative thought, experience, or sentiment with five positive ones, we can offset our negativity bias. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, it will take five (or more) positive interactions to override the negative.

Hmm...Pondering all of this brain training brings me to thinking about just how smart God is.

Our Creator God knew we would need to be intentional about dwelling on the good, the positive, and remembering His faithfulness up to this point, that we might believe in His goodness in our now and unknown future.

Remembering His faithfulness in the past, leads to gratitude in the present, which can become hope, faith, and peace about the future.

Did you know that the word remember is used 352 times in the Bible? And if you include its variants, the number jumps to over 550!

I believe in, as my friend coined it, the power of remembering forward. That is, to recount God’s faithfulness in our lives and apply that evidence to our need for belief and hope in our present and future situations. And wouldn’t gratitude be a byproduct of such reflection? So, as I understand it...

Couldn’t an attitude of gratitude effectually be an exercise in (re)training our brain, away from its propensity towards the negative vigilance and projection?

As I mentioned earlier, there are hundreds of scriptural references where God is encouraging us to remember - His faithfulness, His protection and rescue, His provision... In the Old Testament, He consistently spoke this message to the people of Israel as He yearned to have them trust in His love for them.

As an example, if you read Psalm 103, David begins with “forget not all of His benefits” and then starts listing the evidence of God’s faithfulness to him and His people. David is trying to stir up an attitude of gratitude in the Israelites. And with the impressive list of God rescues and blessings David lays down in this sacred verse, how could they not gratefully trust Him for their present and future? Which leads me to...

How could I not gratefully trust God for my present and future after reflecting on His faithfulness to me in the entirety of my life journey?

And yet, I can wring my hands with worry over what I see or don’t see, feel or don’t feel, totally negating the point of faith, which is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Take for example, when I fall into foreboding when I haven’t heard back from someone important to me after sending a text or email, or leaving a voice message. Uh-oh, did I offend them in some way? Did my intended message not translate accurately over text?

I must be too much for them...

And so it goes... The negativity bias starts running my mental hamster ragged! What a waste of energy, right?! And I’m wired to be a cup-half-full kind of girl!

Proof positive for me, my husband is not alone in his bent for the bleak. No matter our wiring, or Enneagram Type, our brains’ design comes with the challenge of overcoming the force of foreboding (albeit it may manifest differently according to individual personality types).

But let’s practice positivity here and now: Ok, what can we do about this? What does retraining our brains look like? So I posed this question to ChatGPT and the #1 answer was:

What are the best ways to remedy the negativity bias?

#1 - Practice Gratitude: Cultivating gratitude can help counteract negativity bias. Regularly take time to reflect on the things you're thankful for, no matter how small. This can shift your focus toward positivity.

Click this link to read all of the Top Ten suggested tools to train your brain away from negativity, towards an attitude of gratitude.

The neuroscientists are catching on to what the Creator has known all along about our need to practice positivity and remembering forward to cultivate an attitude of gratitude that we might live full lives with overflowing cups.

To think about...

Do you know yourself to be a half-empty or half-full kind of personality?

What kind of situations can throw you into foreboding?

What 1 practice could you initiate in your daily life, (like keeping a gratitude journal, for example), that might help you in staying focused on gratitude?

(Note: For ideas, click: ChatGPT’s: Remedy Negativity Bias Strategies)

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g