The Power of an Arrow: Embracing Heart Change Without Cupid

We are into February (already!), probably reassessing the resolutions we made a month ago, and headed towards Valentine’s Day. So, I am taking this opportunity to check in on my heart health.

I want to admit up front (while fighting back some old shame) that for the first three to four decades of adulthood I did not believe that my heart was worth protecting, let alone pursuing.

I was living under a misconception formed during my childhood that I was here (created) to be sacrificed for the agenda of others, and responsible for...well, for everything and everyone around me.

So, it is a relatively new thought (in the last 8 years) for me to talk about valuing, protecting, pursuing my heart. Initially that meant learning to say no to the lie and turn towards the truth of who God said I am: valued, worthy to be loved and protected, having a divine destiny, called His Beloved. That translated into spending several years where my mantra was: 

My healing is in my ‘no.’

When what was being asked of me or put upon me resembled that old image of me being sacrificed and held responsible, I had to resist the ingrained brain response to fall in line with that misconception. God was planting His image of me into my heart even as the Gardener of my soul lovingly pulled out all the weeds by the roots.

I had to disown the false identity to make room for my true identity, and then allow it to take root in me – all impossible feats, in my opinion and experience, without the transforming power of God at work. Willpower will fail re: creating true lasting change.

This process I am describing – moving from old to new, false to true - brings to mind my graphic illustration of the broader process of transformation: The Transformation Arrow. I firmly believe as Christ-followers we should all be somewhere on that arrow, moving from old/false self, to new/true self at every point of our journey.

 When we move from the left over to the right (from old response to new response) re: some particular false-self habit or pattern, we are then ready to cooperate with God on a new ray of light He will bring into our awareness – something else that is holding us back from living freely as who God created us to be. And that will put us squarely back to the first step on the left again: Connecting with God re: the change He is inviting us into. And so the journey of transformation goes...and continues as long as we are willing.

The cataclysmic event that shot me onto the Arrow this round was the month I spent living in the possibility that I had advanced cancer running around in my chest. The level of powerlessness I felt while waiting for the verdict stripped me of my can-do T3’ness, my positive attitude...my hope in a future.

And as an Enneagram Type 3, my imbued purpose and gift is to bring divine HOPE into my spheres of influence. Wow, talk about irony! But God...He is always working at multiple levels in unseen, incomprehensible ways!

I believe my very scary low drained me of my self-reliance and caused me to question my self-protection like no other single event in my journey had.

Then, somewhere during the excruciating waiting, I posed this coaching question to myself:

How would I live differently if I knew my race was shortened? 

What came up for me, over and over, was the awakening of: I can’t spend my days stepping away from opportunities, playing defense, shrinking back in safe silence!

And so, in the days following, I watched myself move through “Connect w/ God” to “Surrender” ...and landed on “The Point of No Return”!

What I heard in my spirit was “Your healing will now be in your ‘yes’, Beloved! Your true identity is now grounded in you. You don’t need that wall of self-protection. I am your Protector.”

I am so energized by the opportunities I am now stepping into instead of away from, playing offense instead of defense, bringing my unique voice and perspective to situations instead of shrinking back in silence. Ahh...Now that’s living!

The opportunities that come into our lives on a daily basis are never-ending – from our interactions with clerks and baggers at the grocery store, to offering empathetic support to those who are in one of those excruciating times of awaiting an answer, a recovery, a second chance.

Each of us has something unique to offer, something I describe as ‘the thing you can’t not do.’ It’s what naturally flows from your veins, your superpower! No one can bring exactly what you can to this hurting world, or to your next-door neighbor.

My desire is to keep offering what I can’t not do – encourage, bring hope – wherever He takes me, with whomever He crosses my path. It’s (still) where I find Life.

And I’m cheering you on to do likewise... 

Take inventory of your no’s and yeses. Where might be a ‘no’ that you could turn into a ‘yes’? You only need to offer what is already in your hand, what comes easy for you.

I can attest to: There is true Life to be found when we are living out our God-given identity.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

The Gift That No One Returns

Being in the last half of January, most of you are probably through the irritating return process from Christmas gift-giving. The process can be so painful that you decide to keep the thing you’ll never wear or use, right?! And how about when we are the ones who gave the gift that is being returned? Ugh...it can feel like a failure.

So, is there a gift we can give – for any occasion - that we can be sure won’t be returned? I believe so: The gift of truly listening to another. I have a hilarious memory to share that illustrates how impactful good listening can be.

I’ll never forget it...My husband Ron and I were hosting my parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary celebration in our home. It was a perfect June day in Ohio. The house was full of chatter and laughter with my parents at the center of it all. Mom seemed to be in her glory as she took in all the compliments and stories being shared with her by those who had been witnesses of some part of Faye and Jerry’s 50 years together.

We did the food ourselves – no caterer, which meant someone had to man the grill to keep the meat platters full of chicken and burgers. Ron volunteered, partly so he could keep his introverted self from being overwhelmed by the amount and volume of the conversations taking place all around him.

As it would happen, a quirky friend of ours, (I’ll call him Mitch), discovered Ron’s hiding place at the grill station, and joined him there. I had taken no notice of this movement until I was looking for Ron’s whereabouts and found him nodding his head while he flipped burgers. Mitch’s occupation of Ron’s attention lasted a full 90 minutes – which I didn’t learn until much later that evening while Ron and I were simultaneously cleaning up and debriefing about the event.

That’s when Ron told me Mitch stayed by his side for an hour and a half straight, talking away about everything and nothing, with Ron’s only input being an ‘uh-huh’ or a nodding of his head. I laughed and said,

“Here I thought you must have given him some much-needed advice or solved a perplexing problem he had, because of the comment he made to me when he finally came back inside.” 

And here’s the line that became an instant classic in our family: Mitch said to me after his time with Ron: 

“Geri, do you know that your husband is the wisest man I know?!”

When I told Ron that was Mitch’s comment, he belly-laughed while telling me he hadn’t said one word of response or advice to any of Mitch’s diatribe - only an occasional grunt or nod. We both laughed till we cried. How ironic Mitch’s compliment of wisdom when Ron hadn’t said a word. Hmm...

To ‘listen’ another’s soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another. Douglas Steere

During both my Life Coach training almost 20 years ago and the certification process for becoming an Enneagram Practitioner, I received great information on what good, effective listening is. And I did some reading and refreshing on the art of listening before embarking on this post. But the bottom line is this: I have to be motivated to improve what is not inborn for any of us - that is, good listening skills.

Researchers have concluded that the more motivated a listener is, the more active and alert he/she becomes as a receiver. You will not improve your listening skills until you resolve to do so and apply motivation to the practicing of such.

And may I add, that for me as a Enneagram Type 3, it is especially challenging to train myself to not be a hurried listener. Here’s a bullet-point on how Type 3’s communicate:

Direct, topic-focused, fast-paced, and confident. Others may perceive me as impatient, unfeeling, overly efficient, and overriding of other's views.

Oh boy, see what I mean? But I will not faint from applying myself to this goal! My work with clients requires that I am intentional in my posture to put aside my own thoughts and agendas and really be present and hear what they are saying – and not saying. The bigger challenge is with those I love. And although I won’t use it as an excuse, our ‘ever-screen’ culture doesn’t help with our continuous partial attention syndrome.

Here are a few jewels I’ve picked up to practice in this area of effective listening:

·      Listening is not the same as hearing. When we hear, we only perceive sounds; but when we listen, this hearing is accompanied by a deliberate and purposeful act of the mind. To listen means to get meaning from what is heard. One may hear the words uttered by another person without really understanding them.

·      A specific type of listening, active listening requires the listener to totally concentrate, understand and respond to what is being said instead of just passive hearing.  Active listening entails listening with all senses. It also involves providing full attention to the one speaking.

·      Your attention can be demonstrated in nonverbal ways, such as eye contact, posture (perhaps leaning forward), being comfortable during pauses/silences, being focused/tuning out all distractions.

·      Verbal ways to affirm you are actively listening: without interrupting, reflect back to the speaker what you hear her/him saying, ask questions that reveal you are taking in & understand her intended message, and perhaps asking her to say more about something you sensed her feeling more about.

My desire for overcoming my roadblocks to being an empathetic, active listener can be found in this quote:

If someone knows another person is really listening, the conversation changes. The speaker doesn’t need to desperately guard her or his opinion. The speaker has no need to line up convincing counter arguments. The conversation has room for reflection and deeper understanding.  Rev. Catherine Tran

I invite you to consider...

Can you think of someone in your life who demonstrates the traits of an empathetic, active listener? How have their listening skills affected your comfortability in sharing vulnerably with them?

Is there a aspect of listening to which you desire to put intentionality? How/where/with whom might you practice that in your daily life?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Hope Rising - Who Couldn't Use Some?

Mmm...I love this photo I took several years ago while camping in one of our favorite Thanksgiving spots: McDowell Mountain Park outside of Scottsdale, AZ. I love the composition, the light at sunrise that morning, and the symbolism contained in it for me. 

Well, this past Thanksgiving we were experiencing the furthest thing from camping.

On November 9th I received a life-shaking test report that hurdled me down the dark hole of having to imagine your life being shortened.  The test report said, “suspicious for” two types of breast cancer. As I read and reread that conclusion, my eyes glazed over. And of course, running over to Google to research all the medical terminology in the report did not reduce my panic (Having trouble breathing...)

And so that fateful day began a month of the kind of terror that seems to come with the possibility of a cancer diagnosis. We felt an urgency to make a decision on where I would go for further testing and possible treatment. Where we live is similar to other small mountain towns re: limited medical specialists, along with the new norm of staff shortages. I leaned on a couple of women friends who have been down this road and have gotten to the other side, for advice on best next steps. (Beacons of HOPE for me.)

We landed on MD Anderson in Houston – one of the top medical centers in the country for breast cancer, and close to our daughter’s home north of the city. But, as a new patient the next available appointment was three weeks away, inside the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thank God for that merciful provision of location. I know of no one who personifies the loving, tangible, personal care of our God more than our daughter, Heidi. It is her super-power, hands-down. And we were to be recipients of her gifting starting with her response to our call sharing the shocking news of the report: (A break in my hyperventilating...)

“We’ve just got to get you here...Can you leave the day after tomorrow?”

By the time we landed in Houston, on Thanksgiving day, Heidi (along with her husband Brad) had arranged all the logistics we would be needing in the coming weeks, including a rental car, and an apartment - both near her home but also approximate to pleasant distractions that were right up our alley. We saw her love and knowing of us in every customized detail.

This was the first of many ways God used people to advertise His presence and love right in front of our eyes – and yet it was still difficult not to see Him as letting us be crushed.

During this excruciating limbo - from suspicious finding to roleplaying the end of our life as we know it - my husband and I would sometimes confess to one another the new go-to thought pattern of:

Will this be the last time _____?

And to think I had always seen myself as, and found people coming to me for having an optimistic, HOPEful view of life.

This trial would quickly land on the list of battles that have brought me to the humbling truth that I cannot manufacture or sustain HOPE on my own.

Lent During Advent...Remember Jesus’ prayer to His heavenly Father in the Garden of Gethsemane?

My Father! if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.  [Matt 26:39]

I have dear friends who have had to drink from such a cup - the suffering of breast cancer – with various twists and turns, and outcomes. (In fact, adding to my risk factors, I had three aunts die of breast cancer.) But when it was me in the dark garden, I realized the chasm between being the friend or coach coming alongside, and being the one pleading and resolving and surrendering, only to go back to pleading...

Ok... (Trying to take deep complete breaths), How about I try to use what I’ve learned as an Enneagram Practitioner? I know that the Divine Gift of (my) Type 3 is HOPE. Hmm...So, I thought:

How can I reach down inside of who God made me to be and grab some of that HOPE for myself in this desperate moment?

For my literal sanity, each day of waiting, I recited one of my go-to scripture verses, about HOPE. (The feeling of space happening in my chest.)

May You the God of HOPE fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in You, that I may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13 – personalized]

If you have followed my blog or been on my website you know how important music is in my journey. So unsurprisingly, God would use song lyrics as another way to remind me He is with me. The Song is Fear is Not My Future (by Brandon Lake and Chandler Moore). I’ll share a few of the lyrics, but please, be blessed by downloading the song and taking in all the messages embedded in the lyrics. (Note: Check out my P&P Music Page for a sampling of the song.)

Fear is not my future, You are. Sickness is not my story, You are, You are. Heartbreak's not my home, You are, You are. Death is not the end, You are, You are...

Hello peace, hello joy, hello love - it's a new day! Hello strength, hello hope -it's a new horizon - the sun is coming up! Hello peace, hello joy, hello love. Hello strength, hello hope - it's a new horizon...Fear is not my future...

(Singing this affirmation of my beliefs brought tears of HOPE along with deep exhales.)

Let me finish where I started...Back to that photo at the top... Believe it or not, three years after I took that shot at the same campground during that same Thanksgiving week, I took another photo of a sunrise – this time, about an hour later, so you can see more of the sun behind that very same saguaro!

Mmm... the creative ways God reminds us of His very real presence – and that His love is the same for us, no matter the day, the year, the trial or triumph. And He has a limitless list of ways to rescue us – not just an option A or B.

When I reflect on God’s endlessly creative ways to show up, I think of it as He owns the whole alphabet! This is HOPE to me.

In both photos, I can’t help seeing a cross in that giant cactus. And I can’t not see HOPE in that rising sun (Son).

As it turned out for me – this time, anyway - the initial report was disproved – no cancer, all benign.  I have steps yet to take; but I am so grateful for an outcome that allows me to continue to “praise Him in the land of the living!” [Psalm 27 & 42]

My commitment to offering who He created me to be – an E. Type 3 Encourager Coach – has only been strengthened through my recent trial. I pray I will get many more opportunities to share His HOPE from my journey with you in yours.

A few of the learnings I desire to take forward in my journey:

H - Help from a circle of trusted friends. Stop pretending to be an island, trying to do it on my own.

O – Opening up to more possible options past A or B. Reflecting on the various ways I have received HOPE, provisions, rescue in the past. (He owns the whole alphabet!)

P – Power in passing on: Don’t underestimate the power in sharing my story & where/how I experienced HOPE during my ordeal. It will spread HOPE to the listeners. (Some may even respond with “Thank you for sharing”!)

E – Endless gratitude for every moment, day, given. To commit to living each day in a fresh awareness of how limited our days may be.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g