Is Pain Amnesia a Thing?...I Forget

Many years ago, when a close friend stopped all contact with me for over a year (14 months, to be exact), I was in great pain. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what had occurred between us that would cause her to shut down all modes of communication with me. I even emailed her husband in a desperate effort to gain some understanding. He said he was under strict orders to stick to this line:

"Martha does not want any contact from you right now. When she is ready, she will reach out to you."

I was floored, confused, upset - totally distraught. I knew this churning was toxic for all of me - spirit, soul and body. I was taking my pain to God regularly, asking for wisdom on what to do with Martha's shutdown. I prayed for God to reveal to me what I might have done or said that could bring understanding for Martha’s uncharacteristic behavior. I even sought out a therapist for some help.

The therapist introduced me to a life-changing book: The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. (It was an instant addition to my ‘Vital Voices’ list.) The book is about learning how to accept pain as a part of life and deal with it productively. He advocates ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - for remaking your perspective on and response to painful feelings and thoughts.

But his analogy of cars going around in a circle was the most impactful aha for me. The cars are likened to thoughts we generate (We are hard-wired for more negative thoughts – a negativity bias - out of the vigilance necessary to detect any possible threat to our survival.) Hence, self-protective, even suspicious thoughts are constantly being formed by our brains.

But just because a thought keeps circling in your head, doesn’t mean it is or becomes reality or fact. The key is accepting that there will always be negative or foreboding thoughts circling; but you have a choice to ‘not get in the car’, to let it drive on by.

So getting back to my friend dilemma...Once I started practicing not getting into the circling cars, my mental health as it related to this broken friendship improved. My prayers for her became more empathetic and less fretful.  But I had to accept the bottom line: I would have to wait for Martha’s posture to change, or give up on the relationship. Either way, I was moving past the debilitating mental churning, for my own health’s sake.

Here comes the real interesting part...After 14 months, with a journal full of my stages of grief over this lost relationship, I get a phone call from Martha. And believe it or not, she acted like nothing had happened between us! She had a cheery tone and went right into asking about what’s new with me. I could barely speak; I was so flabbergasted by her razor-sharp turnabout.

When finally words started forming for me, I exclaimed:

"Martha, it’s been over a year since you have had any contact with me. How can you act like it’s been a day or a week since we spoke?"

She had a faint chuckle as she replied:

"Oh Geri, surely it’s only been a few weeks, a month or two at the most, since we talked."

Wow...In trying to do something with her time warp, I came up with the phrase pain amnesia to wrap my head around her unyielding stubbornness regarding the time lapse of my exile. She maintained she was out of contact for only a couple of months, at most.

Even now, years later, I can feel the impact in my body of this episode of what currently might be termed gaslighting. As it turned out, Martha had experienced a personal crisis in her family that caused her great pain and embarrassment. She hadn’t just shut down with me; everyone outside her family of origin was muted while they dealt with the predicament. I don’t know if she was ever able to realize how shutting out her friends drastically shrunk her support system for the duration of the far-reaching adversity she was facing.

Thankfully, we did reconcile our friendship; but it took time to rebuild trust for me. Without her acknowledging she had been silent for 14 months – not one or two – she could never really validate the length and level of agony for me, and all of her bewildered friends.

I went to the golden rule with this: Give her the grace I would want her to give me in a similar situation.

Meanwhile, I put this phrase, pain amnesia, into ChatGPT, and came to find out I was not the originator! Haha! Although it is not a formal medical term, pain amnesia has been extensively defined and studied. In fact, there are two different aspects of pain amnesia:

1.    It refers to the phenomenon where individuals tend to forget the intensity or unpleasantness of past painful experiences over time. This can occur because our brains do not store memories of pain in the same way they store other types of memories, like visual or auditory memories. (An example of this would be how a woman who has gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery, can forget how painful it was; so much so, she is then able to consider doing it again.)

2.    The concept of ‘pain amnesia’ can also apply to the emotional or psychological pain that someone in crisis might inflict on those around them. This form of amnesia refers to the tendency of individuals to forget or diminish the memory of the hurtful actions or words they directed toward others during a time of personal crisis. This phenomenon can be complex and is often intertwined with psychological mechanisms like denial, repression, or cognitive dissonance. (The personal experience I shared is an example of this definition.)

I learned much through this difficult relational journey - not the least of which was this:

I too have embodied both sides of this concept during challenging and long-term personal trials. I too have needed grace from those who bore the effects of my tunneled focus that surely included fuzzy memory capabilities, hurtful insensitivities, and my own version of time warps. ( Matt 10:8b ; Mark 12:31 )

Consider applying these concepts to a relational journey in your life...

• Where does this chronicle of strained friendship touch you most? Which ‘role’ did you play in your version?

• Did you experience either type of pain amnesia? (Perhaps you are just identifying it after reading this.)

  
  

• How did you – or would you – respond to a blatant inaccuracy that may diminish your pain?

  
  

• What takeaway from this post might be helpful to you for processing a past, present or future experience with pain amnesia?

[Note: A few sources for exploring the complex relationship between our memory and pain: Psychology Today ;  Technology Networks ; ScienceDirect ]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

The #1 Thing We Have in Common w/ Simone Biles & Novak Djokovic

Within the Enneagram personality structure of nine distinct Types, there are a handful of the numbers that tend to deal more with the struggle of feeling they are not enough, or good enough, due to their core fears and motivations. Namely, I’m referring to Types One, Two, Four & Six. But, in my opinion (as a Three/One-on-one Subtype), we all struggle with the feeling of inadequacy at one point or another.

After Novak Djokovic won the illusive gold medal for tennis in these Summer Olympics, I watched his interview. After asking the usual, expected questions, like How does it feel?, the interviewer dug deeper into Novak’s psyche, asking him Is it enough? He squirmed a bit, but apparently decided to be vulnerable, and admitted his lifelong personal battle with Am I enough, good enough? – in tennis as well as in his other roles as husband and father.

Taken from Novak's post-match interview:

"I’m telling myself always that I am enough,” he said. “Because I can be very self-critical. I don’t know. That’s one of the biggest internal battles I keep on fighting with myself. That I feel like I haven’t done enough or been enough in my life on and off the court."

“So it’s a big lesson for me. I’m super grateful for the blessing to win a historic gold medal for my country. To complete the golden slam. To complete all the records."

Asked again at the end of the interview, “Is it enough?”

He said: “I think so.”

In that moment, I felt a kinship with the GOAT of tennis. I thought, Well, how about that! Even Djokovic deals with inadequacy, while he continues to check all the boxes of success possible in the world of tennis! [Side point: I’m pretty sure Novak is a Type One, which is one of the E Types that are especially vulnerable to feeling not (good) enough.]

Shortly after that, I was reading an article about Simone Biles. She apparently shared her point of view on social media about the rampant questioning of medaled athletes re: What’s next?

Here she is, at the ripe old age of 27, not only securing her comeback from the Tokyo games, but breaking both Olympic and world records, and all everyone wants to know

is: What’s next?

Taken from Simone's social media post:

"You guys really gotta stop asking athletes what’s next after they win a medal at the Olympics...let us soak up the moment we’ve worked our whole lives for."

I can feel her justifiable exasperation! It’s as if we are saying What you have accomplished is not enough. I felt angry with her; and then realized perhaps she was speaking for all of us – in those moments where we are wrestling with the real or imagined messages coming at us, speaking loudly with that not-enoughness voice in our heads.

Can you identify with this type of inner critic monologue? I sure can. In my younger years especially, I prided myself in being adept at juggling a dozen balls at a time. But eventually I would find my overactive identity as an achiever was writing checks my body – and nervous system – couldn’t cash.

And when I crashed, I’d spend some time in the self-pity pit before my developing self-awareness could bring me back to rational thinking. And there in the pit, that message would come to seek and destroy:

No matter how much I do, it’s never enough...It's amazing to step outside myself and observe how this Energizer bunny can turn limp and listless in the blink of an eye when pulled down into the inadequacy abyss.

Out of (new) habit, I ran this concept through ChatGPT. I asked Chat to pull some source materials re: dealing with feeling not enough. I thought the compilation has some value, so here are some synthesized strategies from websites such as Psychology Today and Greater Good:

Feeling like you're not enough is a common struggle that many people face. Various strategies and insights can help manage and overcome these feelings:

1.    Self-Affirmations: Engaging in self-affirmation activities, such as writing positive notes to yourself, can significantly improve your self-perception. Placing these notes in visible areas can remind you of your strengths and potential. This practice helps to reinforce a positive self-image and reduce self-doubt​.

2.    Connection Over Comparison: Shifting focus from self-evaluation to connecting with others can be beneficial. Instead of constantly comparing yourself to others, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, focus on building meaningful relationships and practicing compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness. This approach helps to develop a stable sense of happiness and reduces the pressure to constantly prove your worth​.

3.    Managing Your Inner Critic: It’s essential to address the inner critic that often exacerbates feelings of not being enough. Techniques such as speaking kindly to yourself, being gentle with your flaws, and seeking external perspectives on your positive traits can help combat negative self-talk. Recognizing and challenging the unrealistic expectations you place on yourself is also crucial for maintaining a healthy self-image​.

4.    Environment and Boundaries: Evaluating your environment and setting healthy boundaries can protect your self-esteem. If certain individuals or situations contribute to your feelings of inadequacy, it might be necessary to distance yourself from them. Surrounding yourself with supportive and encouraging people can make a significant difference​.

5.    Progress Over Perfection: Focusing on progress rather than perfection is a powerful mindset shift. Accepting that perfection is unattainable and celebrating your growth can alleviate the pressure to measure up to unrealistic standards. Embracing your journey and the improvements you make along the way fosters a more positive self-view​.

I can see how these solid, rational points could serve as a GPS of sorts when disoriented by inadequacy echoes in the pit. But for me, I had to connect threats to my value with my relationship with God. After six-plus decades of experiencing life, I know too much to think I am sufficient for my insufficiency battles!

Becoming a wife and mother at barely 20 years of age, hastened my need to learn to run to the Source of my adequacy, my self-esteem, my value. And it was through meditating on specific scriptures, until they moved from my head to my heart, that I found my sure weapons against those insidious, provoking messages. I desired to understand how self-confidence and self-assurance fits into the larger awareness of my need for God.

My core Life Verses that (re)center me:

Romans 7:18 – In my flesh dwells no good thing; for though I have the desire to do that which is good, I cannot carry it out.    

John 15:5 - Apart from Me, you can do nothing.

Matt 19:25 – With people [as far as it depends on them] it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Phil 4:13 AMP–  I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]

The last verse, Phil 4:13, really captures for me, the unique juxtaposition of my self-sufficiency being found in Christ’s sufficiency.

Only in and with Him can I fulfill the purposes for which He created me with confidence and assurance of my worthiness to be loved and to belong - for who I am, not what I do.

Here, Brene Brown’s words, from her book Daring Greatly, make an important connection between being enough, self-acceptance, and belonging – which is a need we all share – even the GOATS with chests full of medals:

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.

I hope in reading this, you feel a kinship with me, as well as with Simone and Novak, regarding the very human hassle of feeling not (good) enough. If you could have one other takeaway, I hope it's the importance of having and practicing a strategy for the inevitable set-ups that come in life that expose this component of our vulnerability.

To ponder: What's your battle plan when your worth or value or sufficiency is under attack?

[*Note: If these feelings persist and significantly impact your daily life, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide additional guidance and support. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate these challenges.]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Scrabble as Therapy

May I do something a little different, and throw out a question at the begin of a post? Will you consider pondering this with me today?

Where do you feel safe, secure and known? A place, a group, a person where you have a true sense of belonging?

To help clarify this question, let me quote Brene Brown (in her book Daring Greatly) re: the contrasting distinction between belonging and fitting in:

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” 

So with that in mind, let’s reconsider my question:

Where do you feel a true sense of belonging, of being known? A safe space, where being in their presence means you become more yourself, not change who you are for their acceptance?

Regarding this question of where I feel safe, secure and known: I have come to know communing with God, being in His presence, is THE source of safety and security – the only source that will never disappoint. He created us for His pleasure - because He wanted relationship with us – an intimate, daily connection between Creator God and His created. (That in itself is mind-blowing, right?!)

Moreover, God imbued us with a longing to connect with other people as well as with Himself. And we now have the neuroscience to confirm this essential need to connect from a biological aspect: We are literally brain-wired for relationship.

From the time we are born, we are looking for someone who is looking for us.

This is a quote from Dr. Curt Thompson, a  psychiatrist, neuroscientist and author whose perspective is found at the intersection of  interpersonal neurobiology & spiritual formation. He is passionate about the necessity of having a community where you are truly known in order to have mental (brain) health, as well as experiencing and creating beauty and goodness in this world where God has placed us. (Check out his podcast: Being Known.)

Scientist Matthew Lieberman, author of Social - Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, furthers a strong neuroscience case for meaningful interpersonal relationships as a basic survival need of humans:

Our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water.

But the aha of Brene’s defining distinction between belonging and fitting in had to sink in, then play out in my relational world so I could consider where I was investing my connection collateral. This was huge for me as an Enneagram T3/One-on-one, because I am part of a personality segment who comes from the mistaken thinking of: If I perform enough, everyone will like me.

So my go-to had always been becoming who I  need to be in order to be accepted.

It was a realization that came with some shame, but thank God, I didn’t reject this important truth about my false self. And as I began applying the ‘fitting in or belonging’ test to different groups, my number of associations shrank, but my sense of belonging grew in the groups where all were likeminded about the requirement of belonging: to be who we truly are.

This is where I coo with gratitude over the years and years of my Scrabble Ladies group meeting monthly for some rousing rounds of tile mastery. Ok, so maybe the primary purpose for my faithful attendance wasn’t to have the most seven-letter words...

...but rather to be heard and seen by five other women who were facing or had faced much of which may be perplexing me. It was truly a form of therapy to gather and gab, support and exhort...Priceless.

And oh, the laughter...A merry heart works like medicine, right?! Even though half our group has moved out of Durango, we still get together over Zoom to stay caught up on each other’s lives, and try to plan yearly outings to meet-up for a few concentrated days of wordplay and chortling.

We have seen each other through the large and the small twists and turns of life – from bucket-list trips and dealing with aging, to getting through cancer and the loss of others in our lives. We have helped one another put pieces together in the puzzling points, and given each other supportive space when we can’t seem to find the point.

I can pull up a recent crisis in my life - the real scare of cancer – and recall how my first phone call was to one of my Scrabble sisters. Cindy had gone through two bouts with cancer at different stages of her life, and was now, once again. ‘free of it.’ I fired a dozen questions at her before she had finished saying ‘hello’! She went on the answer most of my queries and refered me to the medical professionals she believed would help me through the rest.

Cindy stayed closely in touch – with no reciprocal expectation – during each step of my journey with this awful, alleged diagnosis...all the way to celebrating with me when further testing revealed no cancer! I felt supported, valued and loved. And what precipitated those feelings were the years of monthly Scrabble gatherings where she and I, along with the other four women, got to know one another - building trust by being vulnerable with each other, month by month, game by game.

I feel blessed to have had a whole season with this special group of women; and it is not the only female group with which I have a decade+ history. It took me a bit to figure it out, but I eventually realized I didn’t have to be in the same room – or town – with another, or others, to develop rich relationship.

I am part of two different Peer Coaching cohorts where we employ our coaching skills – especially active listening - to give and receive encouragement and accountability in the various domains of our lives. We do gather in person when possible, but our ties that bind are stronger than the miles that separate us. And I have a few one-on-one relationships in which I have sent out an SOS and the other was able to jump right into my situation with support even if we hadn’t connected in months. So community can be you and one other kindred spirit or a group of people that span several seasons of life. The key is:

 It’s all in the knowing...

I need these communities to stay healthy, to keep moving towards wholeness, to keep fanning the flame of the passion(s) God has given me, to keep laughing at life.

I hope this read has stirred you – to gratitude for the safe communities/people in your life...or to action towards looking for kindred souls, mindful mentors, and gaming groups to remind you of how loved and valued you are, to experience true belonging, being known, and provide you opportunities to offer your gifts and strengths to them.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g