The Thrill of Adventure: Dirt, Water, and Scrapes Included!

The setting: Our (then) eight-year-old granddaughter and eleven-year-old grandson were visiting in July a few years ago. Our daughter and her husband, Brad, left them with us while they snuck away for a few days of mountaintown r & r in nearby Telluride. We had decided before they came we would take the g-kids on their first camping excursion in our little camper – just one overnight for a starter.

With just eight years to her young story, Sophie was already deciding how she wanted to be known as someone who loves to venture out and try new things. So once mom and dad left the scene, we announced our idea to retreat into the nearby woods and camp. Sophie was immediate in her excited response: “Yeah, I wanna camp, and hike and have a fire...!”

Once we had finished setting up our camper and site, we offered a couple of suggestions for what we might do next. Sophie was all in for a hike. Her brother, David, went along with the idea but under some protest.

During the hike Sophie and David crossed a stream, scampered up and down hills, climbed some boulders, saw some wildlife. But with each change of terrain, there was an outcome that Sophie did not like – even causing her to tear up. You see, Sophie has another side of her personality that is developing as well. She likes to look good – with coordinating outfits, matching hair accessories and statement shoes. Her mom says Sophie gets her fashionista flair from Gigi (that would be me). So as the adventure turned wet, dirty and a little bloody, Sophie was struggling to focus on the fun.

At one point, when she was sure her outfit was ruined, I stopped to get her eyes connected to mine and said: Soph, you’re an Adventure Girl, right? You love adventures, trying new things? She replied with a whimper, Yes, I’m an Adventure Girl! And that was my opening for a coaching moment:

Sophie, I’m an Adventure Girl too, and do you know what I’ve learned about that? Adventure girls get wet, cold, dirty, and sometimes a little bloody.

She looked back at me wide-eyed, like she was having an aha in the moment.

How precious it was to observe her taking in this cause-and-effect connection I was making for her. She seemed to be weighing the cost of being an Adventure Girl.

Seconds later, she snapped out of her trance and back into the moment. From that point until we rounded back to our campsite she took any further physical ramifications in stride and was back to logging the firsts she was experiencing.

Something I have seen to hold true through the decades is God wastes nothing. He is the King of efficiency! (A favorite word of mine as an Enneagram T3.) He will use one incident to speak to multiple people through various vessels and means. And so, I had to smile wide when recently He brought back this Sophie story to remind me of the costs and rewards of being an Adventure Girl.

The truth is I was feeling more than a little rumpled, crumpled and bedraggled after the chaotic, challenging year I have been through. I was more than ready to change my focus to the adventure to be had inside and around the difficult events I was coming through.

To say it’s been a rough twelve months for me – and our entire family – is an understatement. And one of the many challenges we had to face was moving from the home we had been renting for over six years because the owner announced he was selling it. When our landlord let us know we needed to start looking for another place to live,

I was preparing for surgery, and our daughter-in-law was starting chemotherapy treatment for cancer that had just been diagnosed. Trying to picture sorting and packing up a house, keeping the place show-ready for realtors, and finding another suitable rental on short notice was completely overwhelming.

Well, as we all know, the show must go on, right?!

Regardless of the feeling of overwhelm, I would have to muster my courage and move through these difficult events, dependent on God who certainly can stretch me to grow my small faith, but who has never failed me or left me in my times of need.

Meanwhile, my husband (also a Type Three) went into action with what he does best: seeing the big picture and creating visuals to express it to others. He put together a timeline, graphically, showing all of the overlapping events that were to take place over the next six months.  I immediately felt my heart-rate lower as I took in the future displayed in one PowerPoint slide, color-coded to distinguish the types of events and who was the focus of needed support in each case.

Months later...By the time we were packed up, I had recovered from surgery, our DIL was almost through her chemo and having good results, and a pair of our dearest friends in Durango had offered their home to us for the six months they would be residing at their second home in Tennessee. We could not have imagined these positive outcomes back when we were struggling to wrap our heads around what was happening simultaneously in the lives of our family.

But somewhere in the in-between – where life actually happens - when I felt all the uncertainty manifesting in my body – anxiety showing itself as sleep issues, neck and head pain, brain fog...I was bringing my anxiety to the Lord and He brought back that Sophie story of being an Adventure Girl. It was as though He was playing the role I had played with Sophie, asking me:

You’re an Adventure Girl, aren’t you? You love adventure, right? You love trying new things, hiking over that last hilltop to see what new site might be on the other side? That’s what this time is now: An adventure. Yes it also feels like uncertainty; but there is more for you to see, experience, and engage in around that next corner you cannot see past from this vantage point. Reframe it. When your mind feels uncertainty, embrace the adventure of it instead.

Ok, now with this divine encouragement, I was starting to play offense...One of my favorite quotes, describing how I am wired to approach life, is by Henry David Thoreau from his book, Walden:

"I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life..."

So, I asked myself a couple of coaching questions:

What would sucking the marrow out of this in-between time of unknowns look like for me?

If I stay in the moment, instead of thinking ahead, what treasures are there about the uniqueness of this time?

What came up for me in pondering these questions in the light of His-story woven inside of my history:

Find the joy and adventure in the different, non-routine of this time.

Like appreciating the beauty of jazz because of its asynchronization. Hmm...I like that... Or seeing with different eyes as I move about my days because my routines have been, at least temporarily, erased, leaving space for spontaneity. Like soaking in the opportunity to spend time chatting with neighbors as I walk in a new neighborhood, not concerned about keeping my gait time on target or making my to-do list the driver of my hurried pace. And experiencing joyful expectancy about what new thing God may be arranging for me/us as I/we wait for His plan to unfold further.

In the end, it was about perspective. It always is, isn’t it? Invariably in life, there are multiple ways of seeing things, people, situations; and the truth is some viewpoints are more life-giving – conducive to sucking the marrow out of even undesirable situations -  while other outlooks tend to suck the life right out of you.

Well, I believe this blog post was for me, more than anything or anyone else! Ha! I thank you for allowing me to process with you. Gathering my thoughts about this transitional season I am in, has brought even more clarity and assurance of where I need to land and stand, positioning myself for what will undoubtedly become yet another testimony to God’s faithfulness in my story.

May I leave you with one last thought to ponder? You know the phrase once in a lifetime? We use it to describe something we have recognized as rare, fleeting, and usually quite personally impactful in some way. Well, I got to thinking philosophically about that, and I asked myself this: Isn’t every moment ‘once in a lifetime’? As American cartoonist, Bill Keane so famously said:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.

To consider:

Where might you benefit from a reframing in your life currently?

Is your perspective bringing you life or sucking it out of you?

Can you recall times in your history when what first seemed so scary because of the unknowns and uncertainties, turned out for your good?

It is good to travel this life with companions.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Is Pain Amnesia a Thing?...I Forget

Many years ago, when a close friend stopped all contact with me for over a year (14 months, to be exact), I was in great pain. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what had occurred between us that would cause her to shut down all modes of communication with me. I even emailed her husband in a desperate effort to gain some understanding. He said he was under strict orders to stick to this line:

"Martha does not want any contact from you right now. When she is ready, she will reach out to you."

I was floored, confused, upset - totally distraught. I knew this churning was toxic for all of me - spirit, soul and body. I was taking my pain to God regularly, asking for wisdom on what to do with Martha's shutdown. I prayed for God to reveal to me what I might have done or said that could bring understanding for Martha’s uncharacteristic behavior. I even sought out a therapist for some help.

The therapist introduced me to a life-changing book: The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. (It was an instant addition to my ‘Vital Voices’ list.) The book is about learning how to accept pain as a part of life and deal with it productively. He advocates ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - for remaking your perspective on and response to painful feelings and thoughts.

But his analogy of cars going around in a circle was the most impactful aha for me. The cars are likened to thoughts we generate (We are hard-wired for more negative thoughts – a negativity bias - out of the vigilance necessary to detect any possible threat to our survival.) Hence, self-protective, even suspicious thoughts are constantly being formed by our brains.

But just because a thought keeps circling in your head, doesn’t mean it is or becomes reality or fact. The key is accepting that there will always be negative or foreboding thoughts circling; but you have a choice to ‘not get in the car’, to let it drive on by.

So getting back to my friend dilemma...Once I started practicing not getting into the circling cars, my mental health as it related to this broken friendship improved. My prayers for her became more empathetic and less fretful.  But I had to accept the bottom line: I would have to wait for Martha’s posture to change, or give up on the relationship. Either way, I was moving past the debilitating mental churning, for my own health’s sake.

Here comes the real interesting part...After 14 months, with a journal full of my stages of grief over this lost relationship, I get a phone call from Martha. And believe it or not, she acted like nothing had happened between us! She had a cheery tone and went right into asking about what’s new with me. I could barely speak; I was so flabbergasted by her razor-sharp turnabout.

When finally words started forming for me, I exclaimed:

"Martha, it’s been over a year since you have had any contact with me. How can you act like it’s been a day or a week since we spoke?"

She had a faint chuckle as she replied:

"Oh Geri, surely it’s only been a few weeks, a month or two at the most, since we talked."

Wow...In trying to do something with her time warp, I came up with the phrase pain amnesia to wrap my head around her unyielding stubbornness regarding the time lapse of my exile. She maintained she was out of contact for only a couple of months, at most.

Even now, years later, I can feel the impact in my body of this episode of what currently might be termed gaslighting. As it turned out, Martha had experienced a personal crisis in her family that caused her great pain and embarrassment. She hadn’t just shut down with me; everyone outside her family of origin was muted while they dealt with the predicament. I don’t know if she was ever able to realize how shutting out her friends drastically shrunk her support system for the duration of the far-reaching adversity she was facing.

Thankfully, we did reconcile our friendship; but it took time to rebuild trust for me. Without her acknowledging she had been silent for 14 months – not one or two – she could never really validate the length and level of agony for me, and all of her bewildered friends.

I went to the golden rule with this: Give her the grace I would want her to give me in a similar situation.

Meanwhile, I put this phrase, pain amnesia, into ChatGPT, and came to find out I was not the originator! Haha! Although it is not a formal medical term, pain amnesia has been extensively defined and studied. In fact, there are two different aspects of pain amnesia:

1.    It refers to the phenomenon where individuals tend to forget the intensity or unpleasantness of past painful experiences over time. This can occur because our brains do not store memories of pain in the same way they store other types of memories, like visual or auditory memories. (An example of this would be how a woman who has gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery, can forget how painful it was; so much so, she is then able to consider doing it again.)

2.    The concept of ‘pain amnesia’ can also apply to the emotional or psychological pain that someone in crisis might inflict on those around them. This form of amnesia refers to the tendency of individuals to forget or diminish the memory of the hurtful actions or words they directed toward others during a time of personal crisis. This phenomenon can be complex and is often intertwined with psychological mechanisms like denial, repression, or cognitive dissonance. (The personal experience I shared is an example of this definition.)

I learned much through this difficult relational journey - not the least of which was this:

I too have embodied both sides of this concept during challenging and long-term personal trials. I too have needed grace from those who bore the effects of my tunneled focus that surely included fuzzy memory capabilities, hurtful insensitivities, and my own version of time warps. ( Matt 10:8b ; Mark 12:31 )

Consider applying these concepts to a relational journey in your life...

• Where does this chronicle of strained friendship touch you most? Which ‘role’ did you play in your version?

• Did you experience either type of pain amnesia? (Perhaps you are just identifying it after reading this.)

  
  

• How did you – or would you – respond to a blatant inaccuracy that may diminish your pain?

  
  

• What takeaway from this post might be helpful to you for processing a past, present or future experience with pain amnesia?

[Note: A few sources for exploring the complex relationship between our memory and pain: Psychology Today ;  Technology Networks ; ScienceDirect ]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

The #1 Thing We Have in Common w/ Simone Biles & Novak Djokovic

Within the Enneagram personality structure of nine distinct Types, there are a handful of the numbers that tend to deal more with the struggle of feeling they are not enough, or good enough, due to their core fears and motivations. Namely, I’m referring to Types One, Two, Four & Six. But, in my opinion (as a Three/One-on-one Subtype), we all struggle with the feeling of inadequacy at one point or another.

After Novak Djokovic won the illusive gold medal for tennis in these Summer Olympics, I watched his interview. After asking the usual, expected questions, like How does it feel?, the interviewer dug deeper into Novak’s psyche, asking him Is it enough? He squirmed a bit, but apparently decided to be vulnerable, and admitted his lifelong personal battle with Am I enough, good enough? – in tennis as well as in his other roles as husband and father.

Taken from Novak's post-match interview:

"I’m telling myself always that I am enough,” he said. “Because I can be very self-critical. I don’t know. That’s one of the biggest internal battles I keep on fighting with myself. That I feel like I haven’t done enough or been enough in my life on and off the court."

“So it’s a big lesson for me. I’m super grateful for the blessing to win a historic gold medal for my country. To complete the golden slam. To complete all the records."

Asked again at the end of the interview, “Is it enough?”

He said: “I think so.”

In that moment, I felt a kinship with the GOAT of tennis. I thought, Well, how about that! Even Djokovic deals with inadequacy, while he continues to check all the boxes of success possible in the world of tennis! [Side point: I’m pretty sure Novak is a Type One, which is one of the E Types that are especially vulnerable to feeling not (good) enough.]

Shortly after that, I was reading an article about Simone Biles. She apparently shared her point of view on social media about the rampant questioning of medaled athletes re: What’s next?

Here she is, at the ripe old age of 27, not only securing her comeback from the Tokyo games, but breaking both Olympic and world records, and all everyone wants to know

is: What’s next?

Taken from Simone's social media post:

"You guys really gotta stop asking athletes what’s next after they win a medal at the Olympics...let us soak up the moment we’ve worked our whole lives for."

I can feel her justifiable exasperation! It’s as if we are saying What you have accomplished is not enough. I felt angry with her; and then realized perhaps she was speaking for all of us – in those moments where we are wrestling with the real or imagined messages coming at us, speaking loudly with that not-enoughness voice in our heads.

Can you identify with this type of inner critic monologue? I sure can. In my younger years especially, I prided myself in being adept at juggling a dozen balls at a time. But eventually I would find my overactive identity as an achiever was writing checks my body – and nervous system – couldn’t cash.

And when I crashed, I’d spend some time in the self-pity pit before my developing self-awareness could bring me back to rational thinking. And there in the pit, that message would come to seek and destroy:

No matter how much I do, it’s never enough...It's amazing to step outside myself and observe how this Energizer bunny can turn limp and listless in the blink of an eye when pulled down into the inadequacy abyss.

Out of (new) habit, I ran this concept through ChatGPT. I asked Chat to pull some source materials re: dealing with feeling not enough. I thought the compilation has some value, so here are some synthesized strategies from websites such as Psychology Today and Greater Good:

Feeling like you're not enough is a common struggle that many people face. Various strategies and insights can help manage and overcome these feelings:

1.    Self-Affirmations: Engaging in self-affirmation activities, such as writing positive notes to yourself, can significantly improve your self-perception. Placing these notes in visible areas can remind you of your strengths and potential. This practice helps to reinforce a positive self-image and reduce self-doubt​.

2.    Connection Over Comparison: Shifting focus from self-evaluation to connecting with others can be beneficial. Instead of constantly comparing yourself to others, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, focus on building meaningful relationships and practicing compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness. This approach helps to develop a stable sense of happiness and reduces the pressure to constantly prove your worth​.

3.    Managing Your Inner Critic: It’s essential to address the inner critic that often exacerbates feelings of not being enough. Techniques such as speaking kindly to yourself, being gentle with your flaws, and seeking external perspectives on your positive traits can help combat negative self-talk. Recognizing and challenging the unrealistic expectations you place on yourself is also crucial for maintaining a healthy self-image​.

4.    Environment and Boundaries: Evaluating your environment and setting healthy boundaries can protect your self-esteem. If certain individuals or situations contribute to your feelings of inadequacy, it might be necessary to distance yourself from them. Surrounding yourself with supportive and encouraging people can make a significant difference​.

5.    Progress Over Perfection: Focusing on progress rather than perfection is a powerful mindset shift. Accepting that perfection is unattainable and celebrating your growth can alleviate the pressure to measure up to unrealistic standards. Embracing your journey and the improvements you make along the way fosters a more positive self-view​.

I can see how these solid, rational points could serve as a GPS of sorts when disoriented by inadequacy echoes in the pit. But for me, I had to connect threats to my value with my relationship with God. After six-plus decades of experiencing life, I know too much to think I am sufficient for my insufficiency battles!

Becoming a wife and mother at barely 20 years of age, hastened my need to learn to run to the Source of my adequacy, my self-esteem, my value. And it was through meditating on specific scriptures, until they moved from my head to my heart, that I found my sure weapons against those insidious, provoking messages. I desired to understand how self-confidence and self-assurance fits into the larger awareness of my need for God.

My core Life Verses that (re)center me:

Romans 7:18 – In my flesh dwells no good thing; for though I have the desire to do that which is good, I cannot carry it out.    

John 15:5 - Apart from Me, you can do nothing.

Matt 19:25 – With people [as far as it depends on them] it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Phil 4:13 AMP–  I can do all things [which He has called me to do] through Him who strengthens and empowers me [to fulfill His purpose—I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.]

The last verse, Phil 4:13, really captures for me, the unique juxtaposition of my self-sufficiency being found in Christ’s sufficiency.

Only in and with Him can I fulfill the purposes for which He created me with confidence and assurance of my worthiness to be loved and to belong - for who I am, not what I do.

Here, Brene Brown’s words, from her book Daring Greatly, make an important connection between being enough, self-acceptance, and belonging – which is a need we all share – even the GOATS with chests full of medals:

The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you’re enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect.

I hope in reading this, you feel a kinship with me, as well as with Simone and Novak, regarding the very human hassle of feeling not (good) enough. If you could have one other takeaway, I hope it's the importance of having and practicing a strategy for the inevitable set-ups that come in life that expose this component of our vulnerability.

To ponder: What's your battle plan when your worth or value or sufficiency is under attack?

[*Note: If these feelings persist and significantly impact your daily life, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide additional guidance and support. Remember, you are not alone, and there are resources available to help you navigate these challenges.]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g